Lost in Perdition..: 30 things every guy should know how to do

30 things every guy should know how to do

Posted by Unknown | Posted in How to, things | Posted on Sunday, November 28, 2010

A list of 30 things every guy should know how to do:

30: Jump start a car

Every guy has a friend whose car is in shambles–stalls at red lights, a bad transmission, and of course, a crappy battery like one of a Honda Civic that only makes loud noises. Don’t be the person standing around when the jumper cables come out, lend a helping hand–positive to positive (red to red) and make sure to ground that sucker. Otherwise, you’ll have a catastrophe on your hands.

29: Cook

Cooking is basically thought of as a feminine thing, but believe it or not men are the best cooks around the world, and that’s a fact! But, this doesn’t mean u need to take cooking classes or know all sorts of weird dishes and their ingredients. You just need to have your one special dish. Not that there will be many occasions that'll be demanding your cooking skills. Its just a sign of diverse talent. Who knows, one day u’ll get a chance to cash your skill.

28: Throw a punch without shaking

Inevitably, at least once in your life, you’ll find yourself in a situation where the fists of fury are required. There’s no need to panic, especially if you haven’t been in a fight before. The absolute worst thing you can do is open up your hand and bitch-slap someone or pinch him like a girl or worse, start crying. At that point you wont need kungfu skills, you are not fighting for a title. Compose yourself, rotate your fist and drive with your hips. A word to the wise, a straight punch to someone’s nose can get you out of a hairy situation pretty quickly or can get u in a worse situation all the same.

27: Change a diaper

You may not have kids of your own, but inevitably, one of your buddies or siblings will impregnate a woman. Don’t think you’re in the clear here, because at the very least, you’ll be forced to babysit once. Stock up on the Huggies, the wipes, the powders and hope to God that kid isn’t lactose intolerant. And by diaper, I strictly mean baby diapers. Don’t think about the female version Bilal Tariq, you are disgusting.

26: Impress a woman with a one-liner

“I Love You”. Regretfully, that line has not worked for me nor any other man since the 70s. Most of us pakistanis prefer starting with the extreme. Some name their kids at the first sight of a hot lady. Others dream of marriage immediately. But such nonsense immature fantasies are all they manage to bag. A first impression is indeed important when it comes to women. A cheesy line gets you a smile or ignites a whole conversation, a smooth one gets you in her pants, or in her facebook list of friends atleast.

25: Get your money’s worth at a buffet

Like any good strategist, a mapped-out plan of action is needed when you enter the wonderful world of a buffet. Skip the greens and fruits, that is, unless you actually care about living past 50. Go for the jugular right away–the carving station, the chicken wings and every other beast that was slaughtered for this fine spread. A good rule of thumb is to hold off on the heavy carbs until you’ve gotten your fill. Then feel free to enjoy some mash potatoes and mac & cheese. Make sure to leave some special time with the commode nine hours after you finish. I am pretty sure most of us are good in this area, since we even make MUFTA worthwhile.

24: Changing a tyre

Nothing is more unmanly than having to call one of your buddies or worse for a stranger’s help to change your tire. Assuming you have all the right tools and a semi-functional brain, the job should take no more than 10 minutes. Also since the experience with asim’s flat tyre, it has come to my attention that some people need to be reminded that the nuts tighten clockwise and viceversa. Just a friendly reminder though.

23: Cricket

Indeed, you’re no Brian Lara, perhaps you’re not even as good as Baber Wassim or Raza Waqar or that red-eyed Addict. You may not even like cricket very much, but cricket really is a big deal in our paki community and very often you will feel left-out, of both conversations and hang-outs simply because you cant swing a long piece of wood. At the least, you should be able to catch a ball.

22: Haggle for a lower price

“Never accept the first price” is something that’s hammered home to every young man by their father. This doesn’t necessarily mean you pretend you’re a stingy indian and haggle at the local grocery store. You don’t wanna get all cheap n shit, but you also don’t wanna learn the true worth later and feel stupid.

21: Tie a Tie

Regardless of whether you have a job that entails dressing in a three piece suit, you will have to, at least a few times a year, be forced to wear a tie for a wedding or some other occasion. I assume you’re not wearing the clip-on variety so you’ll have to do the Windsor knot. It’s not as hard as it looks and again, the internet, especially YouTube, is your friend.

20: Build a fire

One of the most satisfying parts in the movie Castaway was Tom Hanks ability to start a fire with two sticks. It’s an amazing feat and one that I’m sure all men would love to add to their repertoire. Agreed, the chances of a person ending up alone on an island are very very less. Nonetheless, in general, the need to build one without the aid of a match or lighter probably won’t arise. But building the fire itself, yea, that’s something you should eventually learn, lest you look like a foolish outdoorsman.

19: Drive a manual car

Just do it! Who knows one day you’lll end up buying a manual civic for illegal street racing?

18: Know your way around

We’ve become spoiled brats with our GPS, Google Maps and Mapquests. It’s essentially a very lazy way of traveling. Ask somebody how to get to a store five miles away and they’ll plug it into their phone. Just wait for the day when you’re on a road trip and the damn satellite goes out. Watch how dumb you’ll look when you can’t read a simple road map and the street signs. Chances are, you’ll end up in the un-friendly neighbourhood of Anak on your way to Khobar.

17: Perform CPR

If you’re not in the medical field and your performing CPR, you’re more than likely doing it on a friend or family member. Not a random stranger on the street, but somebody you love and care about. Do yourself a favor and spend five minutes a year reviewing this. In the end, it may very well save a person’s life.

16: Shine your shoes

You’re supposed to look your best from your head all the way down to your toe. So while most confused men from houston may actually think your hair says a lot about you, a scuffed-up dull shoe has the same effect.

15: DO atleast 10 push-ups

Ten seems to be a good round number here. If you’re not able to perform at least ten reasonably solid push-ups, I suggest holding off the “joystick” for awhile. Oh yea, keep that butt down too, none of those sissy push-ups.

14: Dance

I am not asking that you pull out your best Fred Astaire impersonation. I simply ask that you function like a normal human being. Ditch the bhangra, that many of you believe even goes with trance. Keep it simple stupid–some basic movies to the left and to the right and a dip here and there. That’s it. Watch Zohair Malik’s famous dance moves to see how exactly NOT to dance.

13: Play CARDS

No, I don’t mean online poker–there is literally no skill involved as you furiously click a mouse several thousand times an hour. I’m talking about staring someone in the face, knowing their bluff, and pushing all your chips in the middle of the table. You don’t have to be a pro to win a big hand, you just have to play your cards and the man, correctly. Could be any game of cards, just make it help add to your manhood.

12: Parallel park

You may boast about your dashboard full of speeding tickets. You may tell stories of how you beat a charger or a mustang with your Japanese piece of shit but it all comes down to this. Generally, it’s a matter of time and patience, something most men seem to lack behind the wheel. Fellas, you don’t need to do it on the first time, if it takes you two or three runs at it, no biggie. Just get the job done.

11: Spot fake breasts

You just need to know this, doesn’t mean that you gotta stare at everyones breasts all the time. Its just being able to tell the difference, like on the internet or in a movie. You’ll have to trust your eyesight on this one because it’s rare that you’ll be able to grab and feel for yourself. Personally, my rule of thumb has always been what I call “the jiggle factor”. If a woman can jump around or even walk without those things bouncing up and down, chances are, you got some silicone in your sights. Breasts are fatty tissue after all, and if fat aint jiggling, it aint real. I am a sick guy, i got issues, don’t judge me.

10: Sew a button

You should learn this. It is vital to your survival. Jk, fuck them buttons, don’t learn this.

9: Unhook a bra with one hand

Well I don’t know why would we (specifically us) need to learn this Just makes you feel better, knowing that you know this. If needs be, practicing on yourself isn’t the craziest idea, although, it’s highly embarrassing. So strap on and get crazy, just make sure you don’t end up doing some other stuff.

8: Talk your way out of a traffic ticket

Fawad Shahid once stood underneath the cherry tree and uttered, “I cannot tell a lie”. Well, luckily for good ol Faddie, he never had to to talk himself out of a traffic ticket before. Beg, borrow, cheat, re-enact an event–anything it takes to avoid a hefty fine and taking it up the rear from your Dad.

7: Offroad without flipping the ATV

First off, wear a helmet. You can only control an ATV so much as a beginner and you’re better off not becoming a vegetable. The most common mistake people make is taking a hill diagonally as opposed to head on. That’s the easiest way to lose control and inevitably, flip your vehicle. Also avoid ‘things’ like “Shahbaz Ali Khan Niazi on an ATV”. Apparently, unstable guys can’t handle already very unstable ATVs. Infact, drive in the exact opposite direction to him.

6: Buy a gift

Though its not a custom amongst us, the greedy stingy bastards that we all are, giving gifts is some very kind shit. When it comes to buying gifts, the world shouldn’t seem smaller. Be it a guy or a girl, gifts should be unique and valuable. The gift should have a meaning in the eye of the receiver. The more custom it is, the better. Avoid usual shit that goes around. You are special and so is the person you’ll akin to.

5: Surf the web anonymously

I’m certainly not advocating you become a subscriber to every porn site imaginable, but there will come a time when you’ll want to peruse a few sites without someone else knowing. You don’t want the word “Oily boobs” to show up in your search history when u have friends over. A few things you need to know: One, learn about proxies and two, clear out your cookies, cache and delete your history every time you use the web. That may very well tip off people to what you’re doing, but hey, at least they won’t know you enjoy Japanese anime porn or Grannys on vibrators.

4: Spot a liar

Unfortunately, the one person you’ll really need this type of wisdom for is your significant other. Someone bragging about sitting through 32 car flips might be very easy to call, while others may be harder. Yes, if your girlfriend continually comes up with cockamamie stories of where she’s been or if she’s conveniently spending the night at her friends house, you have a serious problem. Confront her and ask direct questions. If she can’t look you in the eye or tries to change the subject constantly, well then, my deepest apologies fellas, you probably have a cheater on your hands. What can I say, love is a motherfucker.

3: Lie

Every man should also know how to lie himself and not get spotted. Very handy, very often.

2: Shave

Unless you plan on sporting the Grizzly Adams look for the rest of your entire life, you’ll need to put a razor to your face every once in awhile. Every man must know how to end up clean-shaved without a display of blood. Remember, up and down, with and against the grain, but never, EVER sideways.