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How to Survive Work

Posted by Unknown | Posted in | Posted on Tuesday, March 06, 2012


Work huh. Cant live with it, cant live without it. Literally. Everybody's gotta work one way or another. The way of the world; gotta earn your keep. Unless you are born into blind wealth. In which case you wouldn't be reading this, but instead be off somewhere trying to figure out what to do with all that money. But since you are here, its safe to assume YOU already work or will have to, at some point in your life.


Our lives are scarred by serious stuff throughout, except the infant stage. But the problem with the innocent care-free-oh-so-awwwie childhood is that we are too innocent to actually understand freedom. Too juvenile to grasp the full meaning of not having to give a fuck. Then we grow up and as the guy in the red and blue jumpsuit once said: With great power comes great responsibility.


The first half of our lives are spent learning how to work. And the next half working. And the fun part is we loathe it throughout. Lets take a minute and try to laugh about it. Nothing? Yea, doesnt cut it for me either. So lets keep living in the hopes this will all be funny in hindsight.


Anyhoo, the article is intended to educate you about certain points that will make your work infested life easier bearable. So lets get on with it!
Major aspects of work and how to deal with them:




Bosses

Bosses. Who doesn't love them! Answer: Everyone. Statistics show that bosses are one of the most hated people worldwide, among justin beiber and maya khan. I have hardly ever heard a person speak good of his boss. Ofcorse its hard not to hate a person who earns more than you, does less work than you and still gets to push you around. Bastard! 

But be as it may, you know better than to unleash your fury and sit your unemployed ass at home, sulking. So when dealing with a boss, always remember; Dont try too hard to win him over. Sugarcoat your words once in a while but dont keep your head up his ass. That wont get you anywhere (except further up his ass Ofcorse). All you really need to do is: be good at what you do. Be phenominal at your job. And yes, patience. He is the villian and you are the hero of the universe that is you workplace. Be patient. Keep doing your work effectively and one day you shall inherit his throne and rule yourself. On your own terms. Maybe you can change this system of tyranny and injustice, or spank those subordinates even harder and make their lives living hells. Whatevers your deal.


Co-workers



Co-workers come in many different shapes and sizes. Theres the slacker, the 'purported' conversationalist, the dorky fat guy, the guy who's always late, the guy who hates his life... And so and so on. Theres a whole variety of them, depending on your line of work. But co-workers are fairly easier to deal with. Since you dont answer to them. You can sever all informal ties if you please so. However that'll really mess up the work environment for you, hence a less hostile approach is recommended. After-all, co-workers are one of the few factors that have the potential to make work suffer-able. 


Be friendly on a moderate level. The best way to deal with a co-worker is as the Quackcum Engaging Rule suggests: Treat your colleague exactly the way he/she treats you. Simple and fair rule.


The Hot Office Girl

In most lines of work, the female employess are relatively less. Similarly, there'll probably be only a handful at your workplace. But that will not stop you from having love riddled fantasies. Study conducted by Woman Rights Organisation (WRO) reveals that almost 4 out of every 5 men have a woman they admire at work, regardless of whether either the man or the woman they admire is committed or even married. And you can only pray she isnt your boss or your secretary. The kink factor makes you all the more prone to irrational thinking and poor decision-making. 

The approach in such scenarios is quite straight-forward: DONT APPROACH. Forget it. Work relationships are a no-no. In the book "100 Worst Scenarios to Date in", 'Workplace Romance' acquires a spot in the top 10.



The Devil Inside
Many of us are fun-loving people, ofcorse some are serious pathetic souls; robots born for work. But most of us maintain a very non-professional and frivolous lifestyle up until the time we start working. And the transformation from the immature-you to the workaholic-you is not easy. Therefore towards the start of your working career, you'll be distracted. Inevitably you'll have a tendency to do something stupid. Its often very tempting, which makes it hard to suppress the devil inside who just wanna "fuck shit up". 


The award-winning russian psychologist Paolokh Padologoshkshchi suggests a simple solution to the problem: Develop two different appearances and, therefore, personalities. For your professional side maintain a specific wardrobe and fragrance, or even hairdo. Similiarly for your off work casual self, have a different posture. This helps develop different mind-sets for different situations and environments, thus keeping crazy thoughts at bay.


Identity Duo



There are people who are overwhelmed by work, their jobs have overtaken their worlds thus affecting every single aspect of their lives. Dwelling in the past, they have no hope, no future prospects. They have given up on happiness altogether, merely going with the flow. Clocking in clocking out everyday, waiting to drop dead.
Then there are people who dont let work get to them. They are still capable of celebrating life, appreciating even the smallest of things.


The difference between the two types is one but crucial; Seperation of work and life. Realizing that work and the after-work-life are wholly different. Lawyer by day, gambler by night. Accountant by day, gamer by night. Teacher by day, serial killer by night. These are the examples of combos that keep you from falling apart.


Induced Insomnia



The words work and morning are synonymous. Bill Gates was once asked in an interview: "So how does it feel to be a billionaire?" He simply replied: "Sing me a lullaby and let me sleep motherfuckers!" The frustration was ofcorse the result of sleep-deprived work routine year after year. Gradually we all develop the 9 to 6 sleeping routine. But it takes time, a wife and a coupla kids. Until then all you can do is lust for sleep. Wake up every morning pissed, promise yourself you will be in bed by 9 the following night and then get home after midnight. Then wake up the next morning drooling, muttering under your breath: 'Oh fuck..'


Working is a highly prestigious act. Earning an honest buck ranks amongst one of the most honorable things a man can do. All the people working hard and honest, are each a big piece in the mechanism that moves the world. If it werent for people like them, the world would fall apart.



On with the Interviews: [EXPLICIT]


Good news: Agent X, our agent in the field, is back from prison. He was accused of allegedly abducting and raping seven 10 year old boys at several different occassions in the past few years. Charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Anyhoo, he had the opportunity to help us out in the matter. Some of the most prestigious corporate heads were approached for comment, following are the accounts:


Baber Wassim, CEO of Ali Al Ahmad Al Mohammad Al Umer Al Amir Al Bakir Al Qadir Trading Est, YEMEN, was asked: "What do you hate most about work?"
He answered: "I hate the recurring routine. Same drill everyday.. Its a vicious cycle"
Agent X: "And what do you propose could be done to make it less repititive and boring?"
Baber: "Hmm.. Off the top of my head.. to avoid the same routine everyday, you'll have to skip work every other day. Go to work on alternate days"
Agent X: "But i dont think anyone would provide such flexible work schedule.."
Baber: "Yes"
Agent X: "Yea.. .. So its not practical.. Right?!"
Baber: "No, its not"
Agent X: "So...?"
Baber: "So What?"


Bilal Tariq, Head of operations EUROPE, PwC.
Agent X: "Mr. Tariq, what would you say is the best thing about your job?"
Bilal: "I'd have to say the self-esteem that comes with it.."
Agent X: "U mean that come with being the head of operations?"
Bilal: "That and being in such position to a globally recognized firm. Plus the money that come with it *giggles*"
Agent X: "Money, yes.. How do you propose a person should secure his earnings? What investment options does he have?"
Bilal: "He should eat it"
Agent X: "Pardon me?"
Bilal: "All money should be spent on food"
Agent X: "And by your appearance i assume you follow this principle rather strictly"
Bilal: "I spend all my money on food. Sometimes i am too lazy to go out for food so i eat the money. You might think i look a little fat. But i weigh only 156 kgs and am happy as hell!"


Sharyar Saigol, Chairman, Al-Watban Tanmanbadan Establishment, DUBAI.
Agent X: "Mr. Saigol, you have been in the business for quite some time now, what message would you like to convey to the younger generation getting into work?"
Saigol: "Working is like peeing, it's with you forever, you can't imagine life without it but you even don't know if it's good to spend the whole life with it.
If you have an option, Don't start working before time, enjoy playing xbox all night long"
Agent X: "Aaaah. Somebodys missing X-box huh? Awwwww :)"
Saigol: "Dont fuck with me agent. I am on the edge here."


Hamza Khalid Ansari, Junior Sweeper, Prince Joey Hockey Stadium, CANADA.
Agent X: "Mr. Ansari you have quite a tough job, sweeping the whole stadium and earning only a dollar for a full day's work. My question is how do you survive on 30 bucks a month.. Or more importantly, how do you sleep at night?"
Hamza: "One word: www.naughtynaughtygirls.com. A coupla minutes on the site and i sleep like a sexually satisfied baby"
Agent X: "Sweet Jesus.."

Raza Waqar, Bowling Coach, National Women Cricket Team, England. 
Agent X: "So Mr. Raza how go the balls?" 
Raza: "The fuck is that supposed to mean?" 
Agent X: "I am talking about your work as a bowling coach. How do your like your job?"
Raza: "My job. Its a joke. I wanted a real shot at cricket. Instead am teaching bowling to the dumbest creatures on earth; women. Bitches be crazy. You belong in the kitchen you fools!" 
Agent X: "Thats offending on so many levels.." 
Raza: "Word!" 
Agent X: "I think you havent still gotten over last 35 consecutive losses" 
Raza: "Are you questioning my talent, you blackie?" 
Agent X: "I am not black and Thats racist!" 
Raza: "Bite me!"

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