How to get rid of your girlfriend
Posted by Unknown | Posted in How to | Posted on Friday, January 14, 2011
Theres no such question as: "Why?" You just need to get rid of her.. Be it for a change or to explore new opportunities or for personal space or whatever, it just has to be done for a countless number of reasons.
There are endless possibilities, the world opens up once you realize life isn't restricted to your candy love story. Every girl that you came across that you thought of as a COULD'VE BEEN is now a COULD BE; an opportunity! No matter how much of a romeo you pretend to be, you know deep inside, that Love is nothing but a feeling of misplaced emotions attached to basic Attraction. Thats right; its just Attraction. The more you get caught up in this numb feeling the less masculine you become over time. These "awwwwwwwws", "janus" and all such chick-flick moments are sucking your manhood dry. Take action now or become a pussy forever! Choose to be the Sheriff of Ballsville or the Mayor of Pussytown.. YOUR CALL!
As its said in the Book Of Manhood, and i quote: "Where art thou Dog! Thou Pussy Lover! Thy shalt not fall in love. Bros before Hos" Line 23, Page 687.
Now that you've made the right decision, heres How to get rid of your Girlfriend:
The general approach:
Come up with one succinct, honest reason to get rid of your girlfriend. Something like, “You're not a size zero anymore,” would work well. Or, you could tell her you're having a hard time understanding her these days. Let's face it, relationships usually fail for one of two reasons: bad s** or poor communication. A prime example of both would be that shes gained some weight and can't communicate because her mouth is occupied with food most of the time. Whatever the reason is for wanting to break up, make sure you can summarize it in one very truthful sentence.
If you want to get rid of a girlfriend and keep both of your dignities intact, find a private place to tell her its over. There's going to be a lot of crying, maybe even a few of your own tears. You don't want people to see you cry, and you don't want people to see her cry because when your girlfriend cries in public, it's automatically your fault. That, and she's probably got a lot of choice words for you, as well. Breaking up with your girlfriend in a public place is a no-no. But avoid breaking up with her in your bedroom. You know too well the power of her feminine wiles. Try doing it in the dining room. It's hard to have spontaneous makeup s** on a cold, shaky dining room table. Better yet, wait until winter, deprive her of water (if shes dehydrated tears will not build up fast), get her outdoors and break the news while shes shivering.
Listen to her pleas for reconciliation, but maintain your distance emotionally and physically, if you really want to get rid of a girlfriend. Once you've uttered those four words, “We need to talk,” she has already started devising a plan to retain your loyalty to her brand of “love.” Don't argue with her. Don't debate with her. She's smarter than you in the matter, and you know this. Keep your distance. She's either going to try to blackmail you emotionally or empower you physically. Be strong right now. You can “manually stimulate” yourself once its over.
Once you've gotten rid of your girlfriend, whatever you do, do not watch romantic movies (especially those starring Shahrukh Khan) & don't listen to breakup music. That's her job. Doing so is only going to stimulate that part of your brain that still suspects there's a chance for you two. At this point, power metal might not be good for you, either. Try some classical music or qawalis, or some jazz, or even some blues. Everyone knows blues musicians are of a singular message: woman done you wrong and she done left you. If you can convince yourself that she actually abandoned you at some point during the relationship, you'll have a better chance of weathering through the mourning period of the breakup. Also avoid poetry.
As she starts digesting the idea that you really wannna breakup, she might suggest a casual friendship, which is a very bad idea. Whatever you do, don't talk to her. Communication is a gateway drug—to makeup. Once you start communicating and making love, you're back to square one, right where you started, and in trying to revive the relationship you'll inevitably remember why you broke up with her the first time and the bell will ring for round two of the breakup bout. The question is, how many rounds can you go?
There are various other ways to leave your girlfriend without hurting her feelings:
- First way is to start saying “I love you” a bit more often than normal, then day by day increase the dose insanely, she will start to think that you might want to bring the relationship to the next level. Tell her you wanna marry here there and then and bang she leaves you, if she is sensible enough. If she agrees followed by excited jumps and screams, either start planning for your wedding or her funeral. Thats what it comes down to.
- Second way is to become hyper-sensitive, meaning you have to start to express emotions a lot and in a very dramatic way, for example; while you watch a sunset together you start saying “… oh how beautiful, it reminds me of my family and all the people I love and you… and i love little kittens and puppies and tiny shining stars” at this point you shed a few tears. If she doesn't react as anticipated, go fucking hysterical.. start shouting and screaming as you cry and she will leave your sorry ass, hopefully.
- This one is relatively simple, you just have to become self centred “bastard” , basically think only about your pleasure and not hers, become more selfish. This one tends to work very well. Talk only about yourself, what YOU want, what YOU need, how YOU look..etc.. If youre already a mean bastard, Go extreme..push the limits.
- This one is not used to send girlfriends away but mostly to annoy them, but some morons did it a bit too much and lost them. Here you change a few things, like you change your deodorant to one that she absolutely hates, you change order of things around you house, you just do little things that frustrate her, its quite fun actually. You know her likes and dislikes awfully well, impersonate the latter. Became a living example of the worst partner she can imagine!
- Act like a beggar. Doesnt require dressing up like a bum, pleading on the streets waiting for her to spot you. Ask her for money directly. Get fucking cheap. Get on your knees even if she agrees. Plead like a homeless dog. Get frequent on this habit. If she asks why, say that you'll let her know soon. Then one day say, "Hey guess what.. All the money that you gave me, i lost it all in gambling" Give her a moronic smile, like you don't give a shit. If she gets furious just keep laughing as she keeps on speaking. Once she pauses and takes a sigh, act serious and say: "I m gonna need some more money, by the way". And Bam she strikes with a puch. Report her to the authorities and the prison will do the rest.
A few other bullet points you should know:
- You just want to be cruel.
- Be a horrible lover you can.
- Do not make her feel good when she is with you.
- Do not reply when she says sweet words.
- End all physical activity with her (IMP!).
- Dress bad, speak bad, smell bad.
- Lie to her, pretty easy bluffs, so that she will never believe you.
- Don't do anything for her on Valentine's day.
- Point out her for her weight and age.
- Talk to her about hot celebs, and anyone whose hotter than her.
- Do not respond when she is talking to you on important matters.
- Try hard to give up your job.
- Send her cards and messages addressed to another woman's name.
- Eat more and more and become fat.
- Complain of her to her parents.
- Tell her you are cheating with her.
- Be lazy.
- Go Gay.... All the way.
Desperate times? Desperate measures:
- Stab her in the back, bag her body and dump it in the ocean.
- Sweet talk her into experiencing natural beauty, Take her to a deserted island and while she is sleeping, leave in the only transportation back home.
- Plan a picinic on the peak of a mountain and throw her off the cliff (before eating, so u can eat hers too).
- Take diving lessons together and unplug her oxygen well below the surface.
- Beat her to death with a hammer.
- Saw off her neck with a chain-saw.
- Massage her with oil, crude oil and light her on fire.
- Bury her alive.
- Lock her in your basement and starve her to death.
- Poison her with her birthday cake on her birthday ofcorse.
All in all; Kill her! ..the easiest option. Murder, however, is illegal in some countries, frowned upon in a few places and a custom in other areas. So, depending on your country's law, you might wanna lay low at a relatives place for a while, until you leave the country for good.
P.s.: The author is not responsible for any breakups or deaths following the post. Act at your own will and risk!
Good luck, go dump her tiger!
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